A Self-Healing Journey
My journey of self-healing has been a deeply personal and evolving process, a tapestry woven from introspection, self-compassion, and a dedicated pursuit of inner peace. Kundalini Yoga and meditation have been cornerstones in this journey. While I explored various styles like vinyasa, ashtanga, restorative, and yin, it was within a Kundalini class that I truly grasped yoga's transformative power.
This journey began amidst a turbulent period of intense personal growth. I was navigating a complex web of challenges: a toxic partnership, the demands of motherhood, juggling school and a full-time job while raising children, and grappling with alcohol, substance abuse, and sex addiction. These experiences, though incredibly difficult, ultimately ignited a new goal – yoga teacher training.
For two years, I immersed myself in the studio, yet the intention to teach never truly resonated with me. Here, I discovered a practice that felt less like a career path and more like a healing ritual – a way to navigate challenges and expand my understanding of purpose.
Ironically, during my yoga training, I continued to engage in self-destructive behaviors. I drank, smoked, experimented with drugs, and made impulsive decisions. I vividly recall reading the chapter on 'tapas' in our Yamas and Niyamas studies, tears streaming down my face. Tapas, in Sanskrit, refers to the spiritual practice of discipline and austerity, designed to burn away past karma.
You might think that getting severely burned in a drunken accident would have been a wake-up call, but it wasn't. This experience, however, served as a powerful symbol. It mirrored how my attempts to escape through self-destructive behaviors were ultimately pointless. The shadows, it seemed, would always find a way to surface. Despite this realization, it took me over five years to finally break free from the grip of alcohol.
Graduating from the yoga teacher training program marked a truly liberating period in my life. I made the bold decision to leave my ten-year career and a fourteen-year toxic relationship behind. Suddenly single, I stumbled upon a new path, with yoga as my primary support system.
My newfound freedom wasn't without its challenges. Those old, self-destructive patterns lingered. I landed a job at a local non-profit, which pushed me past my comfort zones. Then I met someone completely outside my usual dating circles. It's fascinating how encountering someone who elevates our energy can inspire us to strive for a healthier version of ourselves. I felt a genuine desire to make lasting changes to my lifestyle. Meeting Sunshine was a turning point for me.
While the drinking lingered, even in the early stages of our relationship – breweries were our main source of entertainment – I maintained a consistent yoga practice and dedicated time to daily devotional reading and journaling. After a year of trying to make the non-profit work for me, I quit and returned to teaching in the public school system.
Sunshine observed that I was a different person in this career, as they only knew me as a strong non-profit team member. Here I was, back in my old ways, believing teaching was all I could do with my life. I had a master's degree in educational leadership, so I assumed that's what I was supposed to do. I had no idea I was capable of anything else. Sunshine's emotional support was crucial. They helped me see new possibilities for my future, particularly because I was emotionally sacrificing myself for my seventh-grade classroom.
One day, during a fire drill, I experienced a sudden onset of numbness in my left arm and difficulty breathing. I thought I was having a heart attack. Sunshine picked me up, and I couldn't return to the classroom due to overwhelming anxiety. I sank into a deep depression for several months. Sunshine reminded me that I was more than just a classroom educator. They opened my eyes to other opportunities in Chattanooga where I could utilize my skills. I landed a job at another local non-profit, educating about reproductive health and access to free birth control. This experience was incredibly rewarding; it began to open up a life I never thought possible. Then I discovered Kundalini Yoga.
I attended weekly Kundalini classes at Yoga Landing. This is where my trauma began to shift, where I started to forgive, transmute, and alchemize my karma. Then came the 2020 shutdown, which brought another mental breakdown. Studio yoga ceased, and we transitioned to online practices. My Kundalini teacher moved away, and my depression returned with a vengeance. I was seeing a therapist at the time, as my suicidal ideations were intense. I later learned that I use these thoughts to protect my exiled self, my eight-year-old self, tormented by the absence of my father, my strained relationship with my mother, and ultimately, the fractured relationship I had with myself.
During this period of deep depression, I decided to undertake another yoga teacher training – this time for Kundalini Yoga. Instead of self-sabotaging, I deepened my meditation and yoga practices and finally stopped drinking. Without this profound practice that continually brought me back to center, I believe my depression and alcoholism would have continued. I graduated in 2021 with my 500-hour yoga teacher certificate and a renewed dedication to my practice. This ultimately led me to teach at my home studio, Yoga Landing.
Over the last six years, Kundalini Yoga has been a beacon of light, empowering me on my journey of self-discovery. Two years into a dedicated Kundalini practice, I found freedom from my addictions and the ability to tap into an inner strength I never knew I possessed. This journey allowing me to uncover and begin to heal deeply rooted childhood traumas that now make sense of my past struggles. I believe that my dedicated Kundalini Yoga and Meditation practices were the prescriptions to my pain and suffering, ultimately cultivating a sense of inner strength and resilience.
Growing up in a really loud home where everyone was screaming or playing loud music and television, this time of ritual in meditation is a place to calm my nervous system and reset. Meditation is truly a place where I can hone in on my breath, presence, and body to create stillness in the mind. This place of finding complete bliss and anchoring is such a great tool for finding calm in the chaos. Some days my meditation looks different — nature walks, watching a candle burn while I soak in the tub, flash journal jot — and when I make time for this moments of meditation as a ritual to myself, I feel better each time.
Beyond the physical practice of Kundalini Yoga, meditation has become my peaceful sanctuary, anywhere and everywhere I go. It's a space where I go to connect with my inner self. While, I do incorporate various meditation techniques into my practice, one of my most cherished mantras is Sat Nam, meaning "Truth is my Name." I vividly recall a moment on a 14-hour flight home from New Zealand, panic rising as I couldn't open the window and my mind spiraled out of control. In that moment, I hugged myself, curled over my thighs, and began chanting "Sat Nam," breathing deeply into my heart space. The mantra acted like an anchor, grounding me in the present moment and allowing the panic to subside.
I'll be the first to admit that integrating a yoga practice into everyday life is one of the biggest challenges. For me, it's easy when I have dedicated space and time in the day for myself, particularly in the morning. Some days I slip up, falling into depressive episodes. Lately, there have been days when I simply can't bring myself to even get on the mat. Living with suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism requires constant vigilance. It's a daily practice of learning to begin again.
During these times, I must remember to extend myself grace and acknowledge that these difficult periods are temporary. Healing is an ongoing journey, a continuous process. Just when you think you've reached a place of healing, something new arises, reminding you that the work is never truly finished. The beauty lies in recognizing that we possess the tools and techniques to navigate these challenges. And perhaps most importantly, we have the support of loving individuals who hold us with compassion as we journey through our sorrows.
As the founder of Outshine Yoga, I am deeply committed to cultivating Community, fostering Connection, and empowering Service. Through classes, retreats, private guidance sessions, and workshops, I strive to create a supportive and inclusive space where individuals can connect with themselves and others on their unique healing journeys. I believe that by embodying these values and offering opportunities for collective practice, we can cultivate a more compassionate and interconnected world.
I'm a yoga and wellness guide who provides a journey of transformation through storytelling and connection that serves the greater good. I integrate Kundalini Yoga, meditation, journaling, and astrological tools to help individuals create meaningful rituals in their lives. Integrating astrology and spiritual guidance into my work allows me to offer a more holistic and personalized approach to healing. These insights help individuals understand their strengths, challenges, and life purpose on a deeper level.
This journey of self-discovery and self-healing is ongoing. I am continually learning and evolving, embracing the challenges and celebrating the victories along the way. Kundalini Yoga and meditation have become integral to my life, providing me with the tools and support I need to navigate life's ups and downs with grace and resilience. I’d love to be your transformation and alchemy guide in all things healing.
Schedule a free consultation to see how we can get started on your transformative healing journey.
